Some nob jockey has shaved off a chunk of my eyebrow.

At this very moment in time I could have been appearing as an extra in the much-loved British police drama, The Bill. But, alas, I had to turn down the offer to allow myself enough time to finish everything for my final hand in this coming Friday.

The world is a bastard.

Over-priced postage & packing is one of the most annoying things I have ever encountered. Along with sales calls on consecutive days from the same company attempting to sell the exact same package you shunned only the day before. Obviously.

I order a lot of things online and am constantly screwed on the p&p - it’s an enemy to us all. If you’re lucky to get a fixed postage rate regardless of the amount of items you’ve ordered you’ll no doubt find yourself adding various other items to the order to get the most out of the handling charges. But when you don’t get the postal service you’ve paid for (1st class/special/recorded etc.) they really are taking the figurative biscuit.

eBay sellers are the worst at this. I always choose recorded delivery for fairly pricey purchases - and ask for it if it’s not a listed method of delivery before bidding. Yet I so rarely get these items sent through recorded. Only the other day, having waited a week after auction end, I messaged a seller asking when an item was going to be sent, as someone needed to be in to sign for it. They replied: “It should be with you in the next couple of days. Don’t worry, it won’t need to be signed for.”

But I did worry - it was a £25 electrical component so I paid for recorded delivery to cover it. I messaged back: “But I paid for recorded delivery.” They never responded.

Thankfully the item arrived the very next day in perfect condition. But the £4 p&p I’d paid for 1st class recorded delivery saw me waiting a week all to find £1.74 had been spent on 1st class standard delivery and they’d made no effort at pretending to have spent money on the packaging. I’m sorry, but wrapping an empty Kellogg’s Coco Pops box - which was no doubt laying about waiting to be binned - around the item then writing my name over the top doesn’t convince me that the p&p was justified. No bubble-wrap or anything.

And you can’t leave negative feedback, as they’ll then leave you negative feedback claiming you took ages to pay. Bastards.

Anyway, I got up very early this morning to save others from darting to the door when the postie called with another item needing signing for. The postage on this was ridiculous at £9 for something smaller than a CD and of similar weight to a fun-size Mars bar - though a large part of this £9 supposedly went on getting the item imported from Hong Kong before being sent on to me.

But that’s not even what this long-winded post has been about. Nay, this has been a fore-runner for saying that I ended up watching Weird Science with dearest father when he too awoke early and joined me in the drawing room.

I picked the film up yesterday after years of wanting to see it ‘one day’ for the John Hughes aspect. Father wanted to see it for Kelly LeBrock’s aspects. Either way, we were in fits of laughter throughout, mainly at how bad the film was in places and/or how it hadn’t aged well. Still, a brilliant start to the day. This weekend is shaping up to be something special.

I am getting increasingly frustrated with having to wade through hundreds of Racodac emails intended for other people. If it’s for an individual person, email it to that one person instead of typing their name in the subject line and flooding it out to all.

And the same goes for sending me group-messages to groups I’m not in; if it’s “to all the first years” as the subject line suggests then send it to all the first years. FFS.

What makes this even worse is starting the body of the message with “sorry for the spam”. You’re not sorry. You’re just a lazy shit.

The next person that tells me to watch Family Guy is getting a slap. I’ve given the programme a fair try in the past and do not find it “sooo funny” as you’d all have me believe it to be. I cannot stand it. I don’t find it in any way amusing. In fact, it bores the hell out of me.

Yes, I know, I know - millions love it blah, blah, blah. But I don’t. And I don’t go around bullying others into watching The Bill do I? Exactly.

I’m quite fond of a lot of Rowan Atkinson’s work - most notably the BlackAdder series and Not the Nine O’Clock News. I also watched each and every Mr. Bean episode (and film) despite never finding them anywhere near as hilarious as those on the laughter track evidently did. (I have never once laughed at Mr. Bean.) But still, he’s a very strong, amusing and generally likeable character; you can see the appeal.

The film was entertaining enough, but more so as a television-movie than the full on Hollywood blockbuster it was made to be. On this score, it was dire to say the least. So I was amazed today to stumble upon the trailer for a sequel: Mister Bean’s Holiday.

Firstly, I can’t think of a worse title used for anything ever. Sure, it’s an accurate depiction of the film’s narrative, but there’s no pizzazz or intrigue to it. It’s as flat as… my… lifesize Arnie cardboard cutout. (Steering clear of the pancake analogy, there.) Plus, of course, Mister Bean has never once been referred to in text as “Mister” - it’s always been “Mr.” Idiots. I’m not going to mention the fact that the first film saw the eponymous character going on holiday too, as it doesn’t need to be said.

The film itself looks awful. In fact, I’m not going to waste any more time talking about it. ’tis just a shame that nothing can be left alone these days - they’ve always got to milk successes like they would a pig.

Forgetting the fact that I’ve had the film brand new and sealed on my shelf since my birthday last year, I tried giving AI: Artificial Intelligence a viewing the night before last all to have the disc freeze halfway into the film.

It was far too late to battle with the disc and player, so I decided to go to sleep. But trying to resume playback today, my standalone DVD player won’t move beyond the point it froze on before (skipping chapters, fast-forwarding etc. doesn’t work), it continuously whirrs in both my computer and server downstairs, and my Xbox plain won’t recognise the disc.

I know I’ve said it before - and I do love DVD - but you never have all these problems with VHS. VHS is reliable. Less faffing around. In all of my life, I’ve only ever had two tapes get chewed up. Whereas I can name NINE brand new, genuine region 2 DVDs I’ve bought this year alone that I’ve had troubles with. Not on.

As for finishing AI, I’m hoping the deluxe player in the living room will handle it, as I was really getting into the film. And it’d be unbelievably ridiculous to have to buy it again. Although that is an eventuality I have explored (begrudgingly) before.

George of Asda is going the right way about getting a thump with all of these horrible adverts. I wouldn’t mind if the songs used were actually recent - then I might just be convinced the children hadn’t learnt the lyrics especially for the recording. I mean, come on - Pretty Woman. Fair enough, I’ve heard it. But even I don’t know all of the words and I’m nearing twenty-one.

As with all the other songs used previously, they’ve clearly thought up a track that they feel works but not looked beyond the enthusiastic lyrics.

Television is getting worse by the day.

I hate you, I hate you, I hate you! Go away you singing children in adverts and crawl away and die in a ditch somewhere, you bastards.

Postage is soon to be based on size as well as weight. Anything to make more money, eh? Why don’t they just make stamps bigger and have a dedicated space for advertising on them? That’d make Royal Mail a tidy packet and keep the general public happy.

Fair enough, you can’t travel across the country for as little as 32p - or however much 1st class stamps cost these days. But come on, this new move is hardly going to cut down queues at the post office is it? - And that’s apparently one of the reasons why they’re implementing this new system.

—
Look at me. Twenty years old and moaning about postage costs and queues at the post office. What has happened to my youth?